18 Vs. 30

Do you ever feel like you are too nice? Too trusting? Too willing to go the extra mile for others? Too wiling to say 'yes' to people you barely know? Lately I've been feeling like I am suffering from that disease. And that I'm ready for the cure. Not because I don't want to help out, but because it takes too great a toll on my own (emotional/physical) health.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes friends are the only reason we have to stick around. I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for a select few. Increasingly, though, I realize that I am not wanting to add more people into my life. Extra people make your life extra complicated. And I'm quite content with that choice. My life is complicated enough. 18 year old me would be quite daunted by that. 30 year old me feels fine with it.

As I get older I realize I am not as willing to do as much for others as I would have previously. I can say no quite easily. I am no longer shoehorned into doing things I don't want. And it's so easy to cut people off who abuse my good nature. One of the plusses of having toxic relatives as a child, I suppose.

At this point in my life, any friendships outside of my inner circle feels unnecessary and exhausting. I don't want to be the social butterfly, having 200 "friends" but no real friends. When I say I don't want any more friends, what I'm really saying is that I am not interested in having one-sided friendships. Or friendships that are merely anything other than for face value. I had one too many one-sided friendships in my teens and early 20s. It was never worth the drama, and cost me more than it should've.  Friendships, just like any kind of relationship, have to be worked at.   I primarily want to continue building upon already existing friendships.  Any new friendships I would choose to cultivate, I would want to ensure that they are worthy of both mine and the other person's time and loyalty.   Doing it for the wrong reasons or the wrong people is akin to shooting yourself in the foot: pointless and unnecessary.

I can count on both hands the number of real friends I have. People I am willing to go that extra mile (or 1000) for. The "Shirt-off-your-back-last-dollar" scenario. For those few? I would drop everything for in a heartbeat. All they have to do is ask.

And I feel really lucky I have enough of them to warrant counting on two hands, not just one.