Warning: If you can identify yourself in any of these archetypes, seek help immediately. You're a bitch and chances are the few friends you have are far too scared to tell you to your face.
BITCH ARCHETYPES: KNOW THY ENEMY
The Queen Bee
The Queen Bee. Mostly found in high schools. Thinks she's hot shit - but so does (almost) everyone else. Has a tendency to make everyone who isn't her feel as useful as moldy cheese. Uses her powers to bully, mock and scorn everyone who isn't in her immediate social circle. Due to a pact with the Devil, always looks perfectly put together, even on 95-degree summer days when everyone else looks like wilted lettuce. Parents try to tell you that she will wind up broke and pregnant at 18, working at the Sav-Mart. In reality you know she will land some cushy fashion job due to Daddy's connections and money. The sort of bitch that -with the right skill set on your behalf - can be taken down à la Regina, Courtney or Heather (times 2).
The Frenemy
The Frenemy. Similar characteristics to The Queen Bee. Her skill lies in being a master manipulator and a stealth-bitch. Is friends with you only because you make her feel better about herself. Makes you believe that she is super nice, even when she is plotting your social demise. Will tell everyone within a 100-mile radius your every confidence mere minutes after getting off the phone with you. Likes to keep you around as a confidence booster, punching bag and all-around fall guy. The kind of bitch who will get you the perfect birthday gift to distract you from the fact that she's just emailed those drunken photos of you to your arch nemesis and will be hooking up with your boyfriend later on.
The Who I Am Bitch
The Who I Am Bitch takes particular pride in her bitchiness. Thinks that she is single-handedly responsible for every success she's ever had. There is only an I in this bitch's team. A bully, hot-tempered and endlessly rude, she uses her bitchiness as an excuse to treat everyone exactly as she wishes. "That's just who I am!", "Deal with it!" and "I don't think so!" are some of her favorite expressions. Has more front than Macy's and more attitude than an entire season of Sons of Anarchy. Is particularly enraged/puzzled when she comes across someone who will stand their ground against her self-righteousness. Often found in middle-management positions and as the least-favorite aunt at family gatherings.
The ORLY? Bitch
The ORLY? Bitch is the kind of bitch who takes delight in showing people up wherever and whenever she can. She's the bitch you work with who "forgets" to mention that your fellow employees are going for drinks after work, only to exclaim the next day, "Oh really? You didn't know?". She's the bitch who steals your lunch out of the refrigerator and then blames it on the intern. The ultimate malicious gossip, The ORLY? Bitch can be found on her lunch break trading evil snark with The Frenemy and The Who I Am Bitch. She's the kind of bitch who takes great delight in other's misery. Lives to gossip, make others look bad and to spread lies, no matter how big or small.
The I Will Cut You Bitch
A low-level sociopath with malignant narcissistic traits. Will cut you off in traffic, run over your dog and then bill you for a set of new tires. More than likely has serious "daddy issues". Thinks nothing of stealing everything and anything from whomever she can sucker. Self-medicates with drugs, alcohol and lots and lots of random, inappropriate hookups. Mom is a "best friend first!" kind of parent, which only leads to I Will Cut You A) thinking that she is the most important person to ever walk the face of the earth and B) developing serious self-entitlement issues. Everything happens to her and nothing is ever her fault. Will wind up in jail unless she has any modicum of celebrity - which she will use to peddle "accidentally leaked" sex tapes, energy drinks and poorly-made leggings.
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